Home and some final thoughts!

Stretching and enjoying my time abroad!! Ahh, mother nature I love you!!

Hey everyone,

I want to send a final post before I end this blog. I wrote this very long letter (12 pages in my journal) at the airport on Thursday night (June 3rd) at the airport in Lima and I think it does a great job of summarizing my feelings and thoughts about my trip. So here goes:

I don't feel any emotions very strongly, but the ones I have are mixed. The strongest feeling I have is a bit of travel anxiety because I'm waiting to get my plane. I'm now at the airport and am just feeling mixed right now-super mixed actually. I think what I've realized is that shorter trips may be better when traveling alone. Like I feel I threw in the towel too early, but I'm not really regretting my choice. Here are the factors running through my head:

For going home:

1. Family and friends: I miss everyone so much my heart has been hurting non-stop since I left. I wonder exactly how I could be just fine for 2.5 months last summer in Minnesota but could barely make it for 2 months here. Of course I have some theories (no friends, nothing familiar, little to no Internet communication, etc).

2. Close friendships: this ties into #1 but requires its own consideration. One thing I've noticed is how many amazing, interesting, international people I've met while traveling, but even so I haven't found anyone to click with as much as anyone I met at camp-which means I just never had my social/love needs met as much as I need them while on this trip.

3. Hugs: along with #1 and #2, I haven't had my love need met here at all. Yes, friendly Hi's or bye's hugs, but not the get your tummy full of love hugs I enjoy so much from friends. ;)

4. Summer: It has been several years since I've had one of those hang around and do much of nothing type summers. I have missed several 4Th of July's at my cabin and as I've thought about my upcoming years in graduate school I've realized I will probably miss many more coming up. Yes I realize people like my friends have missed the summer vacations I'm talking about for a while now and that what I'm saying sounds spoiled, but I figure if I have the opportunity to do what I want (hang out with family and chill in Napa on last time), why not do it?!

5. Travel feelings: Yes I do enjoy seeing new things but I don't love spending lots and lots of time on my own (which I've done a fair bit of, not always out of my own desire), spending much time in cities (which is done while traveling to difference places and often for sight-seeing), spending lots of money (I'm saving More than $600 automatically by cutting my trip short and will now hopefully make some money in Napa). Plus everywhere I went I'd think about my friends and family so much it got to the point where I was asking myself "Why am I forcing myself to keep going when I can simply see everyone sooner than later?"

6. Work-our: A very small, basically negligent, aspect has to do with exercise because I think it really plays an important role in my mental health. The fact that I haven't had any exercise in over one month I think has played a role on my mind set. There were a few days when I could feel myself sinking a bit towards depression-a feeling I haven't felt in years, don't even want to feel and yet could quickly recognize. I did what I could to thwart it off and feel better, yet nevertheless why not just do something to help it out (where I was it was not conducive to working out at all, especially considering how tired I found myself so often throughout each day).

7. Changes ahead: knowing I have a big move to Colorado in August was weighing on me. I have a lot to do to prepare for that and I think it was a bit over-ambitious of me to think I could do it all in under 3 weeks. Also I realized I should/need to visit San Diego State University, Long Beach State University and the University of the Pacific before moving as well since I should know more about their graduate programs before applying there in the fall.

--Clearly I have a lot weighing on this side, but there are some factors on the "Stay in Peru" side as well:

1. Once in a lifetime trip: As Robyn called my adventure, how can I a pass on something like this? A condolence is knowing, somehow, that if I'm driven enough, which I believe I am, I can travel again some other time, whether for work, volunteering, vacation, couple's get away, whatever.

2. My Spanish: little by little I'm feeling stronger speaking Spanish, but now my trip is halting that progress. A condolence: I got accepted into the bilingual AmeriCorps location in Denver so hopefully this upcoming year will offer me more opportunities to practice. Additionally, I've already thought of several other ways (radio, TV, movies, newspaper, books) in which I can continue practicing. And if this really is a life long goal, I do have all my life to work on my Spanish skills. For some odd reason it is the only language I am at all interested in learning so that gives me plenty of time.

3. The school: here is another mixed bag. At first I was SUPER excited to stay and volunteer after seeing the site. Then I had to pay $400 (rather than only $200 as I'd expected) to volunteer, which threw me off my rocker for a bit but eventually came to terms with. Then the 1st afternoon I helped at the school I got a headache because it was so hectic and disorganized. That evening I got food sickness, which made me miss home that much more and resent being here in this truly foreign country. The other volunteers at first made me feel left out, then I started to like them a bit before a few left, a few new ones arrived and I felt annoyed by a few who were staying and sad the ones I really like were leaving. Luz, the woman running the school, and I bonded, making me like it that much more. The morning school sessions seem like a pretty big waste of time in general. When I helped with a pair of older girls in the afternoon it is more what I imagined, making me like it more. Learning how to light a match and therefore be self-sufficient as a cook made it more enjoyable too. No bugs=good. Little 2 year old Emma (Luz's daughter)=adorable. Eating Peruvian food that didn't make me sick (like cow's heart)=good. Hanging at the beach=good. Going to the movies one night with volunteers=fun. So yeah, hard to form a coherent united opinion on the school, but bottom line: I left the place which was the exact sort of destination I'd imagined for this trip. Although I know I could have made it through that month and probably enjoyed myself more than not, it wasn't a vacation. Especially when I think about how after a week it would just be 4 of us volunteers and 2 of them quite annoyed me-like I'd rather sit in silence than talk with you-leaving me with potentially one friend and a lot more work and students with so many of the other volunteers leaving at the end of this week.

4. Seeing Peru: I haven't been in Peru for even one week and I'm already leaving. Who knows if I'll ever come back? If I do, and I want to see some of the sights, I might plan a trip with a good friend.

I know I didn't list as many "for staying" and it's prob ably because I already left my place here and it is too late to change my mind. I'm trying tocleanse myself of all the conflicting feelings right now by writing them down here for you.

Here are a few other travel thoughts:

1. Travel partner: one of my main complaints is the lack of a good friend on this trip who I traveled with, yet I have trouble imagining who I could have gone with. Robyn and Mom get too travel sick on buses and such transportation. Dad isn't too into volunteering. Other friends have work and other responsibilities. Plus I want both my personal space and independence while at the same time my best bud at my side. Maybe friendships are so hard to find for traveling because of how I want such specifics. Another benefit of traveling alone is the ease of meeting new people. It wasn't always exactly as easy as I'd anticipated, yet with a friend I wouldn't have met a few of my bus-friends, hostel-friends, etc. However, some of the people I met just emphasized to me how much work as a person I have yet to do because I am a finicky person always wanting the perfect friends with me. Even for a night of fun I sometimes didn't want to spend that much time with a recently met traveler-friend. Maybe I left 1st judgments get in the way, or I'm good at seeing who I mesh well with. Some I had mixed feelings about but realized I wasn't having my maximum amount of fun. Am I too tough on everyone, not just myself?! Like too high of expectations? One minute I say I want to meet new people different from me, from different cultures, from different cultures and also to get out of my comfort zone. The next second I say "I miss my real friends, these people bother me. Also I'm uncomfortable and want to be home where I can relax on my clean living room carpet." How can I ever be satisfied?! I'm pulled in one direction by my heart but once I take a step in that direction, the opposite direction pulls me back. Maybe it is the gray section once again that I'm overlooking and needing right now: a bit of stretch but not a push in the deep-end. How am I supposed to use whatever I have to give if I'm paralyzed by fear? Or I can do what I want but I'm not really enjoying it-like the school here: if I'd stayed I would have made it but wouldn't enjoy myself as much as just hanging out at home. True: my resume won't be as complete. True: I cut my itinerary and threw in the rag early. True: my heart will stop hurting and I can just lighten up and be my true self. Why? How? id o not know.

2. Homesickness: It is a difficult thing to pin down since the minute I changed my plan to come home early I stopped feeling so sad. Maybe it is a matter of mental weakness that I could have overcome if I'd distracted myself more or something. What I figure is that I used lots of mental strength over the last 2 months as I felt homesick so it is OK if I go home now :)

Maybe the line up of events from Ecuador to Peru also play a role in my early return. If it wasn't possible (like if my Dad didn't say "You tell me when and I'll look into earlier flights" and om say "If you come home early you aren't a failure at all", I might have stuck it out. As it is, they both said these things so I took my opportunity after all that happened:

-met German super-hot guy to travel with to Peru who was attractive but a bit of a serious traveler who made me feel a bit inexperienced traveler and unequipped

-passed into Peru with different money and city conditions (much poorer), making me feel more uncomfortable and culture shock

-stayed in Huanchaco beach town for one day by myself on overcast day and felt a bit lonely

-ate a ton of ceviche and later got sick from it

-when arrived at school had to pay $400, felt out of place around close group of friends, felt uncomfortable not being able to light gas stove on my own, still itchy but bites, uncomfortable mattress and headache after an afternoon with the kids.

When you put everything I've just said doesn't it make sense why I say I have mixed feelings and find it difficult to clearly express why I want to come home early??


--I'm also a perfectionist, control freak, super organized person who has trouble adjusting and being flexible. I want others to like me and think I"m easy to get along with. I want this so much that I fail to express my own thoughts/interests/true feelings and am left feeling exceptionally anti-assertive. I don't want to be a rude, overly assertive, powerful person but I want to be a strong individual who can speak up when necessary and say "Yes, please, I would like something to drink" instead of automatically saying "No thanks I'm fine" just because I don't want to be a bother to anyone.

--Sometimes I find myself assuming I'm an exceptional individual who has a super-special future set out for myself because of who I am. Why is this? Do most people feel this way? What is it I expect of myself whether or not I actually am as fantastic as I sometimes think? Like do I have to live abroad, live in a poor community, take very few vacations, to vacation-destinations no less, like Hawaii? Buy few nice things? Live far away from home? Is it possible to find a job and place to live that I find fun (whether it be Napa, Boulder Colorado or Lima Peru) and still do something worthwhile? It is not like I want to be famous for the things I do. Yet I somehow expect some sort of recognition, why? Because of this need I think I romanticized my trip so I could later say "well I volunteered in South America for four months in several schools teaching elementary and high school". Don't get me wrong, I'll still say it, and already have, even though I cut my trip short, only actually taught for like 2.5 days and didn't really do all that much farming because I'm lazy (except in the gym) and didn't like pulling weeds or doing very taxing work. Really, I wonder what I would have planned for this trip if I'd known exactly what I as getting myself into. Once again, I say I like challenges, but when I'm faced with challenges I shirk away and desire to just sit and read or talk in Spanish.

-Have I enjoyed parts/a lot of my trip? YES!
-Have I met some really great, fun and interesting people? OF COURSE!
-Have I learned lots of new things? YOU BET!

But this doesn't mean I am a born solo-traveler for long periods of time. In fact, I kind of don't want to be that type of person. I want to desire to travel with my loved ones, hopefully soon a significant other.

These past almost 5 days elucidates the type of traveler I am. I had several free days in Peru as I arrived, got to the school, waited for my time to head to Lima and then later to the airport. What did I do with all that time? Read, cooked myself meals, dawdled online and laid in bed. I didn't care really for exploring the area and instead preferred doing what I can do at home or anywhere really, while I whiled away my last few days in my desired travel destination. I guess the truth is I really don't have the travel bug. Yes I like staying busy, active, having a purpose, but in different ways than seeing the sites. Maybe in a different circumstance (other country, older age, good close travel partners) I don't know. On the flip side, which makes me feel even more like a picky princess, I have a hard time understanding what type of vacation/travel destination is my preferred way of spending time. Like the idea of a vacation that is 180 degree change from this one: nice hotel, family, gym, fine-dining, few tours. Very relaxing but a bit over-glutenous. Yeah the secret to life is the grey, the balance between drastic ends. A mix of family, nice places, poorer places, touring and volunteering. Maybe the whole goal of "learning about myself" while traveling can be seen in realizations like this.

Traveling revelation: Yes I like traveling, enjoy volunteering and meeting new people, but always in moderation. While some people travel/volunteer/work abroad for years at a time, a month or 2 is fine for me. Honduras with Habitat was great! It's not like I'm a hermit at heart, but I'm not a lone ranger either.

Also, considering my mom's family (Oma and Mom at least) I'm doing great. Oma can barely handle a 30 minute car drive, let alone a plane ride or heaven forbid an international 4 month trip alone. My mom is better: she can do both the 8 hour drive to Southern California or the three hour plane trip. Her attitude on the two week East Coast family trip or European tour was a bit more complicated, considering her personal needs and interests. Following these two generations, I have come a long way. Maybe I've been comparing my traveling interests and abilities with the wrong people: rather than looking at Peace Corps volunteers who work for two years in severely difficult situations or the avid, seasoned travelers through South America, solo for 1+ years, I should pat myself on the back for the two months I did do. And I could have done the four, but instead am taking the early birthday present of two extra months with family and friends. Who knows where everyone will be next summer?! At least Robyn and a few friends are in Napa and Berkeley.

I think a part of me feels compelled to write all these different thoughts and feelings down now, at the end of my trip while it is all fresh so I don't regret my decisions later. I truly dislike regretting choices, especially those who make me feel weak and like a failure, and hope to hold on to the reasons for doing what I did.

At times I've found myself questioning once gain the purpose of life. Yes I know some people's reasons and answers are, and I'm grateful for people still listening to me as I go on asking these questions. I come back to some of the same answers:

1. to love others
2. to help others as much as I can
3. to be the best I can be
4. to enjoy my time here

I don't know why these are my beliefs I hold so strongly, but each time I ask these questions I find these answers waiting for me. Of course I think it's a life long journey to do these things because even though they're basic, they are hard to do. Even #1, to love, is SO difficult when I get annoyed by others or am in a grumpy mood. But nevertheless they are my reasons. Or #4, enjoy myself, much harder than it sounds. I'd think I'd know what I need to do in order to enjoy myself, yet just look at this trip and I can see that it is harder to know myself than I'd think. Maybe to enjoy yourself requires you to really know yourself, something we all know is pretty hard to do and in itself a life task as well.

Random: I try to notice the natural physical beauty of all sorts of people (age, gender, race, style) with out being jealous or comparing myself.

OK well I think this has been a pretty thorough brain wash/cleanse--better phrase. I loved this opportunity to travel and the trip for the things I learned.

Besos y brazos!! (Kisses and hugs!!)
XOXO


(Random and good memory to keep in mind!): Me and Aurora in Malingua Pamba hanging out in Josafina's (Paulino's mother) hut while she cooked a yummy chicken soup. I'll miss those fresh flavorful broths!


Thanks for reading my blog!!!